Today is what seemed to me...to be the longest day ever!!!
First off....to start my day....i found out my father is getting married! YES MARRIED! I dont even know who this lady is. Im lost for words! As if i already have soo much to deal with already! Im not sure why my dad wants to get married already, its only been almost 6months since him and my mother had divorced! In a way...i guess i will have to just accept this all in MY OWN TIMING.
Second--->>> I WAS going to work things out with my ex husband **dallin tupua**. I just dont feel that he wants a relationship as bad as i do! It SUCKS cause im giving my HEART my ALL for this man that i LOVE! but still....it seems as if hes hiding something, or just wants to please his family!!! Im hurt cause he says he >LoVeS mE<>shame~>embarrassment~>prideful~>and soo much more!!
If you couples only knew how hard it is to LOVE someone....who doesnt show the same amount of LOVE right back!!! Here's How a He makes me FeeL....aLL sOrTs Of **HEARTACHES**
1. I understand his family coming first to him! but really.....i dont EVER remember a TIME when i or my sons have ever come >>>FIRST<<< to him!!
2. saying "I lOvE yOu SiA" <====== i honestly dont know what it means anymore!! to me, its just painful!! STRAIT PAINFUL!!
3. ((LiEs)) after ((LieS)) after ((LiEs))-----> ive ALWAYS kept it real with him!! even lied to close family, brothers and sisters, and friends to keep him happy!!!
4. [[ILL BE THERE]] - i have ALWAYS been there for him!!! even when we werent together!! bent my back so far for him!! DROPPED everything i was doing ALL THE TIME to cater to his needs!!! BuT wHeN i AsK fOr SoMeThInG aS +++SIMPLE+++ as a text ....JUST to LET me KNOW hes THINKING of ME.......its too much for him to do!!! *tear*
5. ??HE KNOWS?? >>>>>>>just what to do to get back to me!!! and where the hell do i end up??? RIGHT BACK in tears!!!
{{{{{{HONESTLY}}}}}} the list of *H*E*A*R*T*A*C*H*E*S* can go O=====>N! but sometime soon.......ILL put a STOP to all this!! I dont know when!! i do know how!!........
HOW====>>> ???
with the *LORD*.........(pausing for a tissue).............
I do pray that the lord helps me find *my self* again!! All this pain and suffering....doesnt even compare to what the lord went thru for EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US.....and ME!......I just really want to know what *true happiness* really feels like!! Im so desperate for *happiness* that im not even used to how it feels like or know too much about it!! I know everyone tells me
~*~*~THE LORD WILL NOT GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU CANNOT HANDLE~*~*~ but honestly......i dont think i can handle much more!!
In time.....we will see truly, where the lord wants me to be!!! **tears**
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
QUESTION: how do i start? where do i start?
ANSWER: i will start where my heart tells me to....Here goes nothing.
This is my first blog, and for some reason i chose to blog about my daughter. Its so easy to talk about her when others ask about her, but when it comes to writing, its a whole different story. My fingers start to tremble, My heart is pounding, My head has soo many thoughts running thru my mind, but the rest of me feels so relaxed. As i am writing right now, i do feel her near and watching me and reading what i have got to say about how i really feel, its almost as if im talking to her, but....here goes nothing.....
It all started after my husband at the time *Dallin Muti Tupua*, had left to start school at Snow College. I started another Job on May 22, 2004. My new job called *Air Doctors* had asked me to come in and start at 11am. Instead of going into work, i ended up at Pioneer Valley Hospital, (where everyone and there momma from high school went to check if they ever felt they were pregnant..hehe) So i walked in feeling really nervous and sick to my stomach, only to leave the office with a letter saying the test came out POSITIVE! Of course it came along with when my due date would be and all that other fun stuff. So of course, i get on the phone and call Dallin to let him know that he was going to be a DADDY! and he was way more excited than i was! hahaha....
As pregnancy time was coming along, i found myself spending more time in the hospital than anywhere else, it was pretty much my 2nd home. Sad, but true. I was getting sick everyday. Everything i ate or drank, came right back out. I found myself stressing alot only because i felt that i was going thru pregnancy all on my own. When dallin was back in the City, he'd be out with friends, and i'd be at home, so weak and sick, but wanting him by my side while i was going thru all these pains. Nothing ever got better tho...
January 21, 2005, I was rushed into the hospital cause i felt a pain, that i have never in my life felt! I woke up Dallin in the middle of the night, and of course he was really tired and felt that it was just another day at the hospital. It wasnt til i was in tears that he finally got up and took me in to Jordan Valley Hospital. When we got there, i was rushed right in to the rooms where the doctors and nurses were all around me. All i could see was bright lights as they had all these wires and IV's on me. A half hour later the doctor came in and delivered the news that they wanted to monitor me and keep my body tilted to where my feet were up, just to try and see if they could keep baby in or pushed back. Obviously, that didnt work for long. The doctor came in and told us that they are going to transfer me up to the U of U hospital on a Helicopter Life Flight.
January 23, 2005, Early that Sunday morning, I experienced more pain. Pain i could no longer handle. That moment the doctor delivered news that I am going into labor and that My daughter would come out and not live at all.
Elena Riamoea Tupua, was born that morning. As i was pushing her out, I remembered that I didnt want to live either. I wanted to go with her, although i knew she wouldnt let that happen. The moment she came out of me, She lived for 3 hours. The best 3 hours of my entire life! I could just feel her heart beating with mine, I could hear her struggling for each breath she took. Everyone there than came into my room (my entire family, dallins entire family, along with my 2nd family The Fau'olos) We had a lil family get together, and than i passed my little girl around for everyone to hold. Than Elena was given a blessing with her name by my father, father in law, and my brothers. Right after the blessing, i held her....till i felt that her heart was no longer beating with mine.
Right at that moment, i couldnt help but cry and ask the lord why? why would he take away a child from me? What did i do? Was i not worthy enought to be a mother? So many unanswered questions flowing thru my mind. All I WANTED was for my daughter to be right next to me!! I must have cried everyday for a full year! and nobody, in this world, knew how i felt! not even my husband! I was going thru this loss, alone! I remember, crying to my husband one day, and he got soo upset, and left me home, to go be with his friends! Thats how ALONE i felt!
We had such a beautiful funeral service for her with all of our familys and friends there! and the one time i felt comforted was when my brothers and sisters sang! I felt that my daughter was holding my hand, right next to me, and the lord softened my heart! Letting me know, that familys are forever!!
Till this day, i have yet to seal her to me! Elena definitely reminds me EACH DAY that she is patiently waiting for me to come and get her. Dont worry Elena, me and daddy will come and get you.......SOON! *we love you elena riamoea tupua*
ANSWER: i will start where my heart tells me to....Here goes nothing.
This is my first blog, and for some reason i chose to blog about my daughter. Its so easy to talk about her when others ask about her, but when it comes to writing, its a whole different story. My fingers start to tremble, My heart is pounding, My head has soo many thoughts running thru my mind, but the rest of me feels so relaxed. As i am writing right now, i do feel her near and watching me and reading what i have got to say about how i really feel, its almost as if im talking to her, but....here goes nothing.....
It all started after my husband at the time *Dallin Muti Tupua*, had left to start school at Snow College. I started another Job on May 22, 2004. My new job called *Air Doctors* had asked me to come in and start at 11am. Instead of going into work, i ended up at Pioneer Valley Hospital, (where everyone and there momma from high school went to check if they ever felt they were pregnant..hehe) So i walked in feeling really nervous and sick to my stomach, only to leave the office with a letter saying the test came out POSITIVE! Of course it came along with when my due date would be and all that other fun stuff. So of course, i get on the phone and call Dallin to let him know that he was going to be a DADDY! and he was way more excited than i was! hahaha....
As pregnancy time was coming along, i found myself spending more time in the hospital than anywhere else, it was pretty much my 2nd home. Sad, but true. I was getting sick everyday. Everything i ate or drank, came right back out. I found myself stressing alot only because i felt that i was going thru pregnancy all on my own. When dallin was back in the City, he'd be out with friends, and i'd be at home, so weak and sick, but wanting him by my side while i was going thru all these pains. Nothing ever got better tho...
January 21, 2005, I was rushed into the hospital cause i felt a pain, that i have never in my life felt! I woke up Dallin in the middle of the night, and of course he was really tired and felt that it was just another day at the hospital. It wasnt til i was in tears that he finally got up and took me in to Jordan Valley Hospital. When we got there, i was rushed right in to the rooms where the doctors and nurses were all around me. All i could see was bright lights as they had all these wires and IV's on me. A half hour later the doctor came in and delivered the news that they wanted to monitor me and keep my body tilted to where my feet were up, just to try and see if they could keep baby in or pushed back. Obviously, that didnt work for long. The doctor came in and told us that they are going to transfer me up to the U of U hospital on a Helicopter Life Flight.
January 23, 2005, Early that Sunday morning, I experienced more pain. Pain i could no longer handle. That moment the doctor delivered news that I am going into labor and that My daughter would come out and not live at all.
Elena Riamoea Tupua, was born that morning. As i was pushing her out, I remembered that I didnt want to live either. I wanted to go with her, although i knew she wouldnt let that happen. The moment she came out of me, She lived for 3 hours. The best 3 hours of my entire life! I could just feel her heart beating with mine, I could hear her struggling for each breath she took. Everyone there than came into my room (my entire family, dallins entire family, along with my 2nd family The Fau'olos) We had a lil family get together, and than i passed my little girl around for everyone to hold. Than Elena was given a blessing with her name by my father, father in law, and my brothers. Right after the blessing, i held her....till i felt that her heart was no longer beating with mine.
Right at that moment, i couldnt help but cry and ask the lord why? why would he take away a child from me? What did i do? Was i not worthy enought to be a mother? So many unanswered questions flowing thru my mind. All I WANTED was for my daughter to be right next to me!! I must have cried everyday for a full year! and nobody, in this world, knew how i felt! not even my husband! I was going thru this loss, alone! I remember, crying to my husband one day, and he got soo upset, and left me home, to go be with his friends! Thats how ALONE i felt!
We had such a beautiful funeral service for her with all of our familys and friends there! and the one time i felt comforted was when my brothers and sisters sang! I felt that my daughter was holding my hand, right next to me, and the lord softened my heart! Letting me know, that familys are forever!!
Till this day, i have yet to seal her to me! Elena definitely reminds me EACH DAY that she is patiently waiting for me to come and get her. Dont worry Elena, me and daddy will come and get you.......SOON! *we love you elena riamoea tupua*
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